False Start

Salem 8

Have you ever met someone who shook your whole life up? Someone who seemingly dropped in out of nowhere and brought with them a tornado? Someone who marked a before and after in your life? Someone who opened your eyes and changed the way you see things? Someone who you thought was the person you were meant to be with? Someone who made you forget that anyone else existed?

Have you ever met that someone and just as quickly as it began it ended?

Did it make you question everything? Did it make you border on the line of cynical? Did it make you feel like someone you trusted had come in your life and stolen from you? Did it leave you feeling like they took you up in their tornado and dropped you in a place you’d never been before?

Well, I met this person. And just as quickly as I met this person, he may as well have disappeared back into the thin air that he came out of in the first place.

I don’t even feel like the same woman I was when I met him and it only lasted for two months, truthfully it feels like the blink of an eye. It was sweet and devastating. I was built up and dismantled. It was a dream coming true and being shot down all at once. It was something that I’d never experienced before. It was so intense that, even in its ending, none of it felt real, like I’d imagined it all. I don’t even have words to describe what I felt internally. It was an awakening of sorts for me and maybe that was its purpose. To show me a few things and to change me. It most certainly did. It carved a turning point into my soul.

In reality, there was no particular reason behind its ending, it just did. And, perhaps, because I’ve learned enough lessons to know when God wants me to leave, I fought for it one time and then left it alone. I wanted to believe that it was possible to keep this person in my life who showed me yet another facet in my love. I wanted to believe that it was possible to carry on as if I’d never met this person. The truth is that I couldn’t forget him if I wanted to because what he put me through has already begun to color my subsequent thoughts and interactions since him.

It really isn’t fair, but maybe it is. He was divinely placed and maybe the changes I’ve made and plan on making are good changes. Maybe I needed to experience, however brief, that a semblance of the person I most desire exists. Beyond that, maybe I needed the experience to help me evolve more into the woman who is in a relationship with the type of man she most desires. I’m still figuring all of that out.

I’m more cautious now than ever before. Maybe it’s a good thing or maybe it’s a bad thing, the jury is still out. I don’t want to be too cautious or cynical, but there’s something so incredibly jarring about being so incredibly wrong about someone or who they could be to you. If I’m completely honest, I think my heart is still in shell shock and the recovery process is a lot slower than I ever anticipated it would be based on the shortness of the interaction. This taught me something, however. The depths that you can reach with someone is something that is not at the effect or limitation of time. Time doesn’t really exist in that sense.

Some days it feels like I got the wind knocked out of me, other days are better, much better. I know that over time it will be easier, but I’m giving myself the permission to take all the time I need to heal from this one.

In my reflections on the situation, a thought came to me. I wasn’t mourning the ending of it, I was mourning the “death” of this person who I loved so dearly. (Not actual death, figurative sense only!!!) This person who I thought I knew. I was mourning the death of what I thought we were going to have. The whole situation was broken, severed and pieces got lost in the shuffle of it all. I was mourning the sobering fact that this situation was never going to come around again. I was mourning knowing that I would have to walk away and shut the door for good.

I believe that you can be friends with some people, but I also believe that some people are all-or-nothing situations. This is the latter.

I tried hard to be just his friend. Every conversation felt forced, uneasy and once it was done I felt as if I’d just taken a combo to the gut. My heart wrenched after each conversation. As much as I didn’t want to listen to that feeling, I had to. I had to walk away. I had to shut a door that deep down inside I wanted to keep cracked. But I knew that the only thing I could do was forgive him for not being who I thought he could be and forgive myself for wanting him to be it so badly and trust God. Walking away from him was so difficult. Though, I knew it was better to walk away than fight for a situation that didn’t exist anymore.

Fortunately, I had two other great thoughts. “If he’s comfortable with the idea of me being with someone else then I need to get comfortable with it, too.” “If I need to try to change his mind about me then I’ve already done too much and I just need to let go.” This will not be the case with the person you’re meant to be with.

Before I had these thoughts, I dabbled in the semi-regular communication pond and it just wasn’t working for me. So, I had to make an executive decision for my life and walk away permanently, though he may not realize it. I communicated it the best way I know how to, through music.

I know from this point forward I’ll be taking everything one day at a time simply because I’d be lying if I said I felt happy in this decision. It’s difficult, I wish it wasn’t, but it is.  In the words of Abraham Hicks, “You can either be unhappy without him or happy without him.” I’m choosing HAPPY.

I hope he knows that the love I have for him will always be there, but that I know it’s time to clear that space and expect more magic.

I loved you and a part of me always will. I will hold you close in my heart and think of you fondly when you cross my mind. I wish you love and happiness and am grateful to have had you as a part of my life. Thank you for changing me and helping me evolve into a better version of myself. I forgive you and I lovingly release you.

Maybe it was a false start. Or maybe it was a just short race that’s preparing me for a marathon.

I guess we’ll find out together, huh?

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