Love is easily one of the most baffling and complex feelings ever. Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, something happens and changes the way you view it. This is exactly where I am currently. Love for me is easy. I don’t have to try really hard to love someone or something or to be loving. Being loving comes naturally to me, so naturally that it’s terrifying at times. Times like this make me incredibly grateful for this blog because I can go back to some of my earlier posts and read my then-definition of love and see how much it has evolved.
Love is such a beautiful feeling, no one can be faulted for wanting to feel it, have it or give it. However, life is full of events that can change the way we love and our definition of what love is for us. What recent events have taught me is that not all love is good love and not all love is right for me (you). Learning how to discern what good love is and what kind of love is right for you is essential. I have begun to ask God for discernment. I think when you can be properly discerning, you can save yourself a lot of the pain that comes from allowing unhealthy love into your life.
The idea of this completely contradicts my former definition of love. I believed that all love was good love and that all love should be allowed into my life experience. The trouble behind this, though, is that I don’t know what place this “love” is coming from when it’s coming from other people. I know that when I love or am sharing love it comes from a pure and genuine place, but that the same can’t always be said for others.
I’ve hurt people who I claimed to love and justified it as the action being separate from the feeling of love that I have for them, when in actuality the two are more related than we often like to admit. This becomes particularly more evident in relation to romantic love. We can have so much love in our lives, we’re loved by our families and friends and some of us even really love ourselves, we’re loved by God, but we still yearn for romantic love. Inherently, romantic love is supposed to be beautiful, it is supposed to be good love.
When I think about this and I analyze how I’ve been treated in recent and past romantic relationships AND how I’ve treated my partners in recent and past romantic relationships, one question stands out. How can a person who says that he/she loves you, hurt you and then attempt to hide behind the phrase “I love you.”? My answer is, “I don’t know.” The reason I don’t know is because I have hurt a past romantic partner and I know that I loved him. Given, after I hurt him, I didn’t try to salvage the relationship, I just told him that I was sorry for hurting him, but not necessarily for what I did.
So I believe that a person can love you and knowingly hurt you or do something that he/she knows will hurt you, but that the action(s) don’t necessarily change the love that truly exists there. What I don’t believe is that the love that truly exists there is necessarily good love or the right love for you.
(E.g. I purposefully made a decision that I knew would hurt my partner, I told him, I was remorseful for hurting him, not remorseful for my actions, I loved him, but my love was not good love and my love was not the right love for him, he deserved better love than the love I could give him at that point in time.)
Bare with me because now is where things get kind of tricky. Now the tables have turned and I have experienced something similar. Karma, perhaps. Who knows? The difference is that now I’m prepared to accept responsibility for my past actions and how they defined the type of love that I have been allowing into my life experience. Though I had a lot of love to give, my love wasn’t necessarily healthy or good. The love that I was giving came from a place of fear, of insecurity, of desperation, of pain, of a need for validation.
I think sometimes we get so desperate to have love or to be loved by someone else that we accept whatever love comes our way.
Good love is not desperate. Good love is not forced. Good love is freeing, not binding. Good love is patient. Good love seeks to uplift.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting love, but there’s everything wrong with betraying yourself to have it.
Good love is healthy. Good love is delightful. Good love brings you closer to God and the essence of who you really are. Good love promotes inner peace, it doesn’t disrupt or disturb it. Good love comes from a place of confidence, security, space, abundance and happiness.
I would say that even in my most recent romantic relationship, my love was good love, but it was coming from an unhealthy place. I think that the vibration of that unhealthy origin masked all of the good intentions there and magnified all of the unhealthy aspects. There was no inner peace, there was inexplicable uneasiness, there was distrust and there was fear. I believed that he loved me, but I don’t believe that his love was good love or the right love for me.The most important aspects of the relationship were mismatched, but because things had already been built on a questionable foundation, it felt easier to keep building rather than starting over.
I think that’s the most sobering feeling of all, knowing that starting over is inevitable. Sometimes it’s better to willingly start over than to reluctantly keep building until it all collapses on top of you. At that point, it isn’t the starting over or rebuilding that hurts, it’s the collapse that hurts and slows your ability to grow through the situation. I am so thankful for this collapse because it has given me a chance to really look at love from a new perspective. It has also given me the courage to not only redefine what good love is for me and what love is right for me, but how I can give good love and the right love, too.