I, Brittni Pope, have committed a cardinal sin. I have regressed into the terrible space of needing validation outside of myself. This is a space that I haven’t been in for a while, but I’ve been back in it for a short period of time and it has taken a disgusting toll on me and those around me. In the depths of my neediness, I have pulled those who are closest to me and bound them so tightly in this neediness that it has affected my overall spirit in a negative way. I can’t remember the last time I was an energy vampire, you know the person who brings down a room? For so long, I have been the person who makes it her business to uplift the room. And now here I am looking everywhere for validation of my existence and worthiness except for inside of myself. Not to mention, all while simultaneously pushing the people who matter to the most away because they just can’t frankly be who/what I need them to be…a living and breathing “yes person” to Brittni Pope whose life and behaviors fit how I would like for them to be…
It’s difficult to explain to people, but when I try it’s so easy to want to begin with the cliche “it’s not you, it’s me…”, but NO like seriously, it’s really me. Like, excuse my French here, but I’m kind of f*cked up. I’ve left my vortex and now I’m floundering in a fear-based existence that only feels worth living if I’m able to control those around me and receive pats on the back every time I do something.
Anyone who knows me or maybe anyone who has followed my blog for any substantial amount of time, will hopefully be able to see my spiritual progression from being consumed by darkness to climbing my way out and basking in the light. I have briefly crawled back into that dark cramped space and now I’m feeling two things. One thing is how out of alignment I am and the second thing is how I just don’t belong there anymore.
For much of my life, my darkness was home for me. Any time I got scared, I ran away and returned to my darkness. For sooo long, I associated who I am with my darkness and only realized very recently that I’m so incredibly separate from that darkness that it’s not even funny. The darkness felt like home because it became a crutch for me when I had to face the fullness of who I really am. However, that crutch doesn’t look so appealing anymore, it looks/feels more like quicksand, safe to be in at first and then consuming you to the depths of nowhere.
I’m tired of placing unfair expectations on other people. I’m tired of feeling out of alignment with myself. I’m tired of feeling the need to control other’s actions so that I may in return have a false sense of security. I’m tired of being out of my vortex.
Today, I give myself permission to return to my highest self and to release myself from all that keeps me tethered to the darkness. I also give myself permission to embrace the behavior and places of life that the people I love are in.
Oh how sweet it feels to be back…<3