A Return to My Highest Self

Big Smile

I, Brittni Pope, have committed a cardinal sin. I have regressed into the terrible space of needing validation outside of myself. This is a space that I haven’t been in for a while, but I’ve been back in it for a short period of time and it has taken a disgusting toll on me and those around me. In the depths of my neediness, I have pulled those who are closest to me and bound them so tightly in this neediness that it has affected my overall spirit in a negative way. I can’t remember the last time I was an energy vampire, you know the person who brings down a room? For so long, I have been the person who makes it her business to uplift the room. And now here I am looking everywhere for validation of my existence and worthiness except for inside of myself. Not to mention, all while simultaneously pushing the people who matter to the most away because they just can’t frankly be who/what I need them to be…a living and breathing “yes person” to Brittni Pope whose life and behaviors fit how I would like for them to be…

It’s difficult to explain to people, but when I try it’s so easy to want to begin with the cliche “it’s not you, it’s me…”, but NO like seriously, it’s really me. Like, excuse my French here, but I’m kind of f*cked up. I’ve left my vortex and now I’m floundering in a fear-based existence that only feels worth living if I’m able to control those around me and receive pats on the back every time I do something.

Anyone who knows me or maybe anyone who has followed my blog for any substantial amount of time, will hopefully be able to see my spiritual progression from being consumed by darkness to climbing my way out and basking in the light. I have briefly crawled back into that dark cramped space and now I’m feeling two things. One thing is how out of alignment I am and the second thing is how I just don’t belong there anymore.

For much of my life, my darkness was home for me. Any time I got scared, I ran away and returned to my darkness. For sooo long, I associated who I am with my darkness and only realized very recently that I’m so incredibly separate from that darkness that it’s not even funny. The darkness felt like home because it became a crutch for me when I had to face the fullness of who I really am. However, that crutch doesn’t look so appealing anymore, it looks/feels more like quicksand, safe to be in at first and then consuming you to the depths of nowhere.

I’m tired of placing unfair expectations on other people. I’m tired of feeling out of alignment with myself. I’m tired of feeling the need to control other’s actions so that I may in return have a false sense of security. I’m tired of being out of my vortex.

Today, I give myself permission to return to my highest self and to release myself from all that keeps me tethered to the darkness. I also give myself permission to embrace the behavior and places of life that the people I love are in.

Oh how sweet it feels to be back…<3

With Love,

Brittni Pope

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7 thoughts on “A Return to My Highest Self

  1. Wow Brittni, this is really inspirational. I wish I didn’t need validation outside of myself and I am slowly making progress towards that. Very true and very inspiring.
    I have a fashion blog if you’d like to check it out: http://thegeekchickblog.com/
    Camila

  2. Hi Camila, thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. I believe in you and believe in your ability to find and keep that inner-validation. I love you! ❤

  3. HI MY PRECIOUS ANGELICA BRITTNI,

    This piece is so BEAUTIFUL like you. Keep doing what you do and informing the world that there are times we all find ourselves in a dark place but with GOD we will not be there long. GOD brings us out with more JOY & HAPPINESS unconditionally and infinitely.I am so very PROUD and BLESSED to have YOU and I am always 110% & more behind you. You are my ANGEL that God gave to me to protect and nurture. I will CHERISH, LOVE, and ALL OF THE ABOVE great adjectives. You are a GOD-FEARING DAUGHTER chosen for GREATNESS. I know sometimes I find myself in a dark an eerie place but I have to shake myself back into reality and know that GOD is in control of it all, THE PAST, THE PRESENT, & THE FUTURE. This bring me back into reality and I put that smile back on my face and I am ready for the CHALLENGE because I know GOD holds me. You know who holds you, so stay out of that place of DARKNESS and enjoy everyday that GOD gives you. We know GOD is an AWESOME, FORGIVING, LOVING GOD that sit high and looks low. GOD has and will continue to take care of his OWN. I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH and I AM SO VERY PROUD OF YOU and ALL OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS. I AM AND WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU. YOU ARE A BEACON OF LIGHT IN MY SOUL.

    LOVE,

    MOTHER

  4. Hey Brittni, I wanted to thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts on this blog. I’m a 22 year old girl, and at this moment I’m not in the best place. I always struggled with anxiety, stress, negative thoughts and loving myself. Last june I graduated and in octobre I’ll start working. So I’m having a summer break for 3 months. I’m home a lot on my own, cause all of my friends are working or studying for their exams in august. Being home alone a lot isn’t the best thing for me. It makes me think too much and makes me feel very lonely. I need my boyfriend for validation all the time. I have a lot of selfdoubt and it feels a bit like I lost my identity. Reading your blogposts and watching your youtube videos helps me to remember that I’m not alone. Often I feel as if nobody understands me. But your words show that other people also go through moments like this. So thank you for helping other people!

  5. Hi Jana!!! Firstly, congratulations on graduating school and preparing to enter the workforce! You are going to do amazing! Secondly, you are not alone and my e-mail is brittnipope@gmail.com , feel free to e-mail me anytime you need to talk to someone. We all go through times of self doubt, uncertainty and stress and anyone who says he/she doesn’t isn’t telling the truth. So often we compare ourselves and our lives to those around us who appear to have it together all the time and don’t realize that they may be struggling, too. It’s ok to feel this way, in fact, the only way to work through it and move past it is to feel it and stay in that place for a short while. However, don’t get comfortable there, make getting out of that place your mission. Once you’re out of that place there is so much good waiting for you. As for feeling like you need your boyfriend for validation, we’ve all been there. I was there for a loooong time and even still find myself regressing there in my current relationship. That’s completely normal. You haven’t lost your identity, Jana, you’ve just wandered down a path that doesn’t align with who you know you truly are. Once you’re ready to look inside and rediscover who you really are everything will begin falling into place. You’ll know what and who’s healthy for you and trust that removing those things and people who aren’t is the best thing for you. You are lovely, beautiful, worthy and deserving of the life that you desire, Jana. In your times of weakness remember that. Again, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you feel you need to talk. I’m always here for you. Thank you so much for opening up and sharing such a personal comment. You’re the reason why I keep sharing even when I’m scared to share or feeling like no one is reading or watching. Thank you for being you! I love you, Jana!!! ❤

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