In some sick way, it almost seems eerily poetic. The idea that a broken heart is the catalyst behind some of the most significant and beautiful creations known to man. That pain giving birth to a breakthrough, giving a lesson meaning or, at the very least, reminding us that we can hurt in ways we never imagined. Growing up, I always thought of a broken heart as this state of being broken or feeling broken because the heart is the center of who we are and what drives us to do what we do and if it’s broken, functioning feels, well, impossible. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to understand deeply the complexity of the human heart. I just look at my own. I think if it were physically possible for a heart to literally break because of emotional pain I would have been dead a long time ago. Somehow, unbeknownst to me, it manages to keep ticking and dare I say, continues to love more and its capacity to love keeps growing…
In life, I’ve never been too good at purposefully half-assing. I’m not saying it hasn’t ever happened or that I aspire to do it, but when it has, it’s usually completely unintentional or either virtually impossible to do. I would say that my capacity to love definitely falls into the latter category.
I honestly find something or someone to fall in love with every day. It’s what keeps me going. I keep stretching and encouraging my heart to expand in ways that it might not be meant to. I understand the dangers behind this. Typically, when a person falls in love, it’s supposed to be a long and drawn process over the course of a lengthy period of time to ensure that this energy and love is going to be used on the “right” person. Of course, me being the little rebel that I am, I buck at this “typical” and pedestrian approach to falling in love or loving someone.
In fact, I have no qualms with admitting that in 90% of my romantic partnerships I dove straight in without giving the idea that I might be doing it wrong a second thought. It’s definitely analogous with getting into a pool full of cool water. If you try to ease your way in, it can be terribly tedious and unnecessarily uncomfortable. However, if you just dive right in, you don’t give your body any time to become uncomfortable because it’s just about adjusted to the temperature by the time you surface for air. Love is scary any way you look at it, but just as a pool looks so incredibly tempting on a hot summer day, so tempting that you don’t mind the fact that the pool’s water may still be cool and cause you temporary discomfort as you adjust to its temperature, so does love. Obviously, being in the water will make you feel good, doesn’t matter how long or short a time you spend inside of it, it just feels good when you’re in it. Some people choose to ease their way in and some people to choose to dive right in. I’m usually “B”.
Now, I think there are so many levels to love and I’d be foolish to believe that the two truest loves of my life thus far could fall into the same category of a guy I may have dated for a short period of time. That’s not the point here, the point is that I enter every thing the same way because a cautious entry doesn’t necessarily have a guaranteed ending either. I go into everything 100% and maybe it’s absolutely crazy, but I do and will probably continue to do so even though I know the consequences of it all too well. You know, the crying over a guy/girl you barely know the same way you did over the guy/girl you thought you knew like the back of your hand. The feeling broken and trying to soothe that piercing pain in your heart….yep it’s still alive!
I found myself feeling broken-hearted over someone who I barely knew in reality. It’s such a strange feeling and it just doesn’t make sense. What makes sense would be that your heart automatically wouldn’t invest itself on nothing more than potential and hope. But I guess that’s what makes the heart so incredibly and almost infuriatingly complex, that no matter what, no matter the cost, it still wants what it wants. And if it can’t have it then it hurts and maybe even breaks a little.
What sucks, though, is that our society teaches people to be scared off by the word love if it doesn’t fit neatly into the box designed for how it should come about. Any person that I’ve ever spent any meaningful amount of time with, meaningful to me, the actual concept of time length being irrelevant here, I’ve loved. Usually I can’t express that though without raising a few eyebrows in a “The People-esque” manner. No, it’s not some creepy love, it’s like, “Yoooo I love(d) you and appreciated having you in my life.” Maybe he wasn’t the ultimate “right” person for me, but I do believe that at every point in our lives we are with the “right” person. So there, I loved you, take it however you’d like. And by the way, you broke my heart, not because I foolishly fell too hard or too quickly, but because I care so much and love so deeply. And I’ll gladly suffer the pain that comes behind it to continue to nurture my ability to love in this way.
It was this realization that helped me to discover this notion for myself, that our hearts can break in so many different ways, in ways we have yet to conceive because it hasn’t yet been challenged to act as if it isn’t in some aspect. Sometimes your heart breaks for everything something had the potential to be. Sometimes it breaks for all the love it didn’t get to give. Sometimes it breaks because the lesson you’re supposed to learn hurts you like hell. Sometimes it breaks because deep down you know that something ending was the best thing. Sometimes it breaks because, well, that person/thing won’t be there to fix it anymore. Sometimes it breaks just to show you how resilient it truly is.
I’m not saying that any of this makes dealing with a hurting heart any easier, but I think it has the capacity to grow bigger and love more when those people/things who broke it leave it looking virtually bullet ridden. I like to think that my heart grows bigger to compensate for the holes left in it from other people/things. I’ve never truly loved someone/something and lost it and been able to successfully replace its spot in my heart with another.
So yeah, I fall in love every day and I lose things and people every day, and that’s also why my heart and capacity to love is SO huge and getting bigger moment by moment. I’m all too well acquainted with a broken heart because I nurse some broken part of my heart every day. My heart breaks in a multitude of ways every day and that’s okay, too. I know that in time, I’ll be fine…..and so will you if you’re experiencing the same thing.
I love you so much.