The Rabbit Hole of Self Doubt

Roses (Gorge picture I snapped of some rainbow roses in my friend’s apartment whilst staying in Brooklyn!)

This is such a sensitive topic for me, like where do I even begin? I’ll literally be serving up all of my insecurities and weird ass ways I deal with them on a silver platter here and it’s scary. A part of me wants to shy away from those self-limiting beliefs that I sometimes feel tethered to and then the brave part of me wants to put it all out there because I know people somewhere can relate. I know that sharing this is so much bigger than me and my fears.

“When I give a negative thought enough momentum to become a negative belief, my experience shifts to present me with illusions to confirm that negative belief as true.”

So, last night it happened, I’d been feeling the nagging urge since Saturday, but finally yielded to the negative self talk and self doubt yesterday. I mean, I yielded to it big time! It was like a massive snowball effect that quickly turned into an avalanche and before I knew it I was weighed down by every insecurity, self-limiting belief, ounce of self doubt and self deprecating thought that I’d possibly ever had. I haven’t felt like this in a very long time. Crying didn’t help, praying seemed useless as I couldn’t stay focused long enough to pray a coherent prayer because I kept going back into my head and giving into its incessant chatter. It was quite the scene. Tossing and turning and waking up throughout the night and immediately looking at the mirrors beside my bed and having those pretend dramatic conversations that you plan on having with people, but sometimes never do.  (Come on, I can’t be the only one! Well maybe just the only one willing to openly admit it!) I’m not proud of it, but it happened.

The weird thing for me was that usually crying helps me, even if it’s only a small amount. You know, a releasing of built up pressure. I had a laughable crying fit, I mean I cried and all, but it was like I was crying over everything and nothing at the same time. I was trying really hard to keep crying. It didn’t make sense, I couldn’t exactly pinpoint why I was crying. I just knew that I had a pit in my stomach, it was so nauseating and crying seemed like the only thing that would help. It didn’t.

After barely sleeping for most of the night, I literally had to drag myself out of bed this morning once it was time to get ready for work. I meditate every morning and even that got all sorts of screwed up because when I fully came to, my crazy mind went back to obsessing over all the madness that kept me up throughout the night. So, I decided to ditch my usual approach to meditation and started talking out loud to God. For the most part, this is what I said…

  • I feel upset because I feel like this always happens to me.
  • I’m upset at myself for not listening to my intuition.
  • I keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
  • I’m not enough.
  • I want to believe in people, but people always seem to let me down.
  • I’m not enough for people.
  • I’m undeserving of what I want.
  • I may never have what I most desire.
  • The love and energy that I give is rarely reciprocated by those I most want it back from.
  • I don’t feel attractive enough.
  • What did I do wrong this time?
  • I’m unworthy of God’s forgiveness and mercy because I don’t listen to Him sometimes when He gives me red flags and I shouldn’t ask for Him to aid in my healing because I should have listened.
  • I knew better, but I didn’t do better.
  • I can’t pass this test and because I keep failing, I will continue to suffer.
  • I’ll never be enough.
  • I feel like my only choice is to settle and to learn to be okay with that.
  • I hate myself for feeling like I need validation from others.
  • I hate that I care so much.
  • Though I am not satisfied with the scraps that people sometimes give me, I can survive off them and will accept them.
  • I feel so stupid for believing what he said.
  • I always meet everyone at the wrong time.
  • I always feel rejected.
  • What’s wrong with me?
  • Why can’t I just keep it together?
  • I’ll never be loved the way I deserved to be loved.

Jesus Christ!

How I managed to make it into work with the will to still want to live is beyond me as I read everything I just wrote/said about myself! It’s almost embarrassing and re-reading it makes me cringe and makes my skin crawl. Even though I know I felt those feelings and thought those thoughts, the me that I know and love so much could never be any of those things.  My spiritual self could never be anything less than absolutely amazing and lovely.

Which is what leads me to my biggest issue…the fact that I’m still allowing my spiritual self to attempt to identify with my earthly self. This is exactly why it was so hard for me to cry. My earthly self and ego thrives on this chaos, this futile need for control, these self-limiting beliefs while my spiritual self knows that all is well, all has been well and all will always be well and so there’s literally no point in crying. The Universe is taking care of everything, all I have to do is remain calm, happy and faithful.

Feeding the negativity only keeps me outside of the vortex, it doesn’t help me feel any better and the worse I feel, the worse I am to myself and other people. I caught myself starting to feel physically ill by the time I left work yesterday and getting an attitude with my Mother on the phone for no reason at all. I just shut down, completely. When I get in this place, I try to cut myself off from people so that I don’t spread the negativity that I’m feeling. I’m not only a hazard to myself, but to everyone around me.

As I laid in my bed, trying to process all that I was feeling and all that was surfacing, I remembered what Caroline Myss said once, she talked about how when we allow ourselves to get upset, we literally kill cells in our body, in bed it felt like I had the flu all over again. I kept taking meds and nothing helped. It was crazy to see just how powerful my mind is and how my body just followed the vibes it was putting out. I’d opened my immune system up to being incredibly vulnerable simply because I couldn’t control my emotions and thoughts.

At work today, I decided to listen to some of Abraham Hicks’ lectures on YouTube because she’s one of my favorite teachers and I always feel better and more aligned after listening to her. In one of her lectures, she discussed how when we hold onto a negative thought for longer than 17 seconds we begin to give that negative thought so much momentum that it becomes a belief. We create our experiences in life through our thinking and the focus and energy we put behind our thoughts and beliefs and essentially our experience can manifest the things that confirm our negative beliefs, thereby leaving us to believe that these negative thoughts are true and legitimate when they aren’t even real at all.

It was such an “Ah-Ha” moment for me because I tend to do that a lot. I believe in the worst thing and then BAM something manifests in my experience that’s in alignment with it and then my whole experience just runs with it and then I’m left feeling sad, but unsurprised. But of course I don’t feel surprised, I shouldn’t, because I’d already decided in my thoughts that this negative thing was going to happen!

I’ve decided that I want to try to reprogram that part of my thinking. I want to not give into those negative thoughts and I damn sure don’t want to give them what they need to evolve into negative beliefs!

I don’t want to jump down that rabbit hole of self doubt. I refuse to allow myself to keep doing that.

While I was getting ready for work, I remembered a quote that I came across the other day, so I repeated it over and over and over again as I stared at my reflection in the mirror:

“Brittni, I love you, for all that you are, all that you have been, and all you’re yet to be.”

I cried this time, like really cried and I felt some of that pressure in my stomach dissolve.

The most precious and most important relationship I will ever have is the relationship that I have with myself. I must love myself and accept myself and appreciate myself and take it easy on myself. I must forgive myself, praise myself, coddle myself, nurture myself and protect myself.

All of those self-limiting beliefs and self doubts only have any real meaning or power over me when I give them meaning and power. Allowing myself to be consumed by them is incredibly harmful. I am better than that and stronger than that.

In this moment, I realized that I didn’t need my self doubts to disappear, I was in need of self-acceptance and self-appreciation and reminding myself of my self-worth.

I love myself so much!!! I’m such a beautiful person inside and out. I am not responsible for the actions of others and others are not responsible for my happiness. I am responsible for my happiness and for holding tightly to my self-love.

If you have ever felt this way, don’t believe that negative self talk and your self doubts. You are incredible.

I love you. So freaking much!

I’m almost out of my funk…if I can make it through, you can, too!

With SO Much Love,

Brittni Pope

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