I feel as if I have been noticeably absent from my blog the past couple of months. Not absent in a way of not posting fairly regularly, but in being shamelessly honest and transparent about what is going on with me, something that I have been since I started this blog. If you’re wondering if it has anything to do with a guy, as much as I hate to admit it, you’re right. LOL But not in the way you might think.
Yes, I’ve been hurt and my heart has been hurting at the hands of someone who was careless with it. However, before he was able to be careless with it, I gave it away so that he could.
He is the first person that I have seriously dated since I began my spiritual journey, so dealing with this heartache from this new place in my life is really unfamiliar territory. Of course, I decided to go through the normal theatrics, the crying, the feeling shitty and sad, the pining endlessly over someone who I KNOW, I KNOW, isn’t meant for me in any long-term capacity, the romanticizing of him, the justifying of his carelessness as MY carelessness and finally grasping at straws to make myself feel better…all while reminding myself of everything he ever did to hurt me AND how he most certainly isn’t feeling upset over me AND still how much he deserves to be happy with or without me in his life. (Selfless to a fault, right?!)
The older I get, the more I realize just how great of lengths we will go to to make ourselves feel better.
And from my spiritual place, I now realize that the sole goal of this is to soothe our aching ego!
This guy didn’t hurt me, he hurt my ego.
It’s like, my heart hurts, or at least it feels like it does, when I think of him being with someone else, even perhaps someone who is much better suited for him than me. I feel nauseous at the thought of it, even knowing all that I know, and I know that I’ll have to get over this because he will move on, it’s inevitable. And I have to learn to be ok and FEEL ok with that, even if I’m confronted with it. I know I’ll get there. I even know that I’ll be happy for him.
Anyways, in our valiant efforts to soothe our broken hearts (or egos) we will tell ourselves all sorts of things…”He/she is just missing out!” “He/she is so stupid!” “That new girl/guy will never be as good as me!” “I can do better! I’m better off without him/her!”
Today, when I found myself regressing and thinking about him after being confronted with some unsettling and shocking news that I frankly just wasn’t ready to hear just yet, I sprang for, “He’s just missing out!”
Usually, these kinds of phrases make me feel a little better. However, today, in that moment, I realized it didn’t.
When I got home, I cried some more. And then I knew I needed to meditate so that I could access the true root cause of my pain. I knew the true root cause wasn’t him. I knew that what I was feeling went right back to a self-limiting belief that apparently I hadn’t cut ties with as cleanly as I’d hoped…THAT I WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH. (That in some aspect I was truly lacking. That I needed a man’s validation to make me feel good about myself.)
Meditation is a time where I’m completely honest and don’t filter my feelings when I talk to God because He can’t communicate back if I’m not being brutally honest.
So then I said:
“I’m hurting because I care. I’m hurting because I cared way more than I realized. I’m sad because I feel lonely. I’m crying because I’m worried that I won’t meet someone who will be able to love me and treat me the way that I know I deserve to be loved and treated. I feel upset because I feel like I’m never enough for the people whom I give so much of myself to.”
Whew! There I’d said it….I literally let it all hang out with the above statement. I even felt lighter immediately because saying it took such a load off.
Then God responded to me.
“He’s not missing out on you because he isn’t the one for you.”
And then I was left to ponder that statement and face the reality of what it meant.
“Brittni, he’s not missing out on you. He is inherently meant for someone else, as are you.”
It was this realization that soothed FIRST my heart and SECONDLY my ego.
I don’t want to find any joy or resolution in hoping for my former lover to be unhappy, to be with someone else who won’t care for him in the same way or as much as I did or to feel some of the pain he’d caused me.
I’m finding joy and resolution in the fact that my spiritual self has not even batted an eyelash over this situation. I’m finding joy in that what we had was wonderful because it served in our personal evolutions. Everybody can’t be meant for you, however, everyone is meant to help you grow in some aspect. Joy is to be found in the beauty of a situation, even its ending.
I know it has to do with my spiritual journey and trusting in the Universe and its perfect timing.
Beyond that, however, I know it has to do with the fact that I truly understand what it means now to care for some people in such a way that you can only derive peace of mind in letting them go so that they may, too, continue on their own journeys without dragging you along for their ride long after it was time for you to get off.
I honor that I am human, that I have an ego and that when I fall, I fall hard.
I give myself permission to feel these feelings. I give myself permission to take the time that I need to heal.
I forgive him. I forgive myself.
He’s not missing out and neither am I.
With SO Much Love,