How Much Are You Selling Yourself For?

GMa1.5
 
Most of us have a price. And those of us who don’t are the epitome of individuals who know the true meaning of self-worth, self-sufficiency, self-esteem and self-security.
 
And since the latter mentioned percentage is extremely low, I feel the need to ask you how much are you selling yourself for? What’s your price? What parts of yourself are you selling for emotional security, a sense of intimacy, a particular lifestyle or some similar empty-fulfillment of something you feel you’re lacking or can’t have without someone/something else?
 
Or, if that’s too direct of a question for you to ask yourself….perhaps this will sting a little less….what parts of yourself are you sacrificing or betraying in order to keep less-than-stellar people, relationships and situations around?
 
I’ve been selling myself. I have a price. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true and because it’s true, in some way I feel like it’s worth admitting to and opening up about so that I can help others.
 
I’d like to believe that I do actually know the true meaning of my own self-worth, that I am pretty much self-sufficient, that I have high self-esteem and that I’m able to provide myself with self-security. HOWEVER, when I look over my life at friendships, relationships and certain situations and I see my hesitancy to let things go in a full and willing manner, I’m unable to ignore my price tag waving in my face.
 
Anytime we willingly participate in our own demise, meaning staying in situations that will hurt us, staying with people who hurt us or participating in activities that can/will/do hurt us, we’re selling/sacrificing/betraying parts of ourselves out of fear.
 
Fear is a bastard, ain’t it?
 
In my earlier post, “What’s Love Got to do With It?” I said that “we only ever settle for anything in life because we’re scared of something worse and something better.” I didn’t really elaborate on it much in that post, but it goes hand-in-hand with this post.
 
Here are some of my fears, what I’ve settled for and what parts of myself I’m selling/betraying because of them:
 
  • Sometime’s I’m scared of being alone, so I spend time with guys who I know aren’t meant for me in the long run just so I don’t feel lonely. I’m selling my time.
  • Sometime’s I’m scared of being really successful so I get in my own way and make excuses for why I should wait to pursue my dreams. I’m betraying the God in me who has not only provided me with the talents and skills to pursue and achieve my dreams, but also the means to do it.
  • Sometimes I’m scared of failing or taking certain risks in my professional life because if they don’t pan out then I could lose everything. I’m selling my dreams and betraying the part of me who knows they’re meant to come to fruition.
  • Sometimes I’m scared of not having any close girlfriends, so I held/hold onto friendships that were/are no longer good for me. I betrayed the part of me who knew that God and the Universe would supplement the friendships that I ended.
  • Sometimes I’m scared of not being able to live the lifestyle that I want to live so I stretch myself thin, either financially or emotionally or both, so that I’m able to maintain some semblance of it in my current life. I admit to sometimes taking the “fake it till you make it” theory a little too far. I’m betraying the part of myself who knows better, but isn’t doing better. I’m selling the parts of myself who are scared that I can’t achieve this lifestyle on my own without hurting myself by having it.
  • Sometimes I’m scared of good change and/or bad change so I do whatever I can to keep things from changing too rapidly. I’m betraying the part of myself who knows that change is inevitable and that I would do better to embrace it than to attempt to avoid it.
  • Sometimes I allow myself to be screwed over, cut short, taken advantage of and other things of the like because I’m scared to stand up for myself. I’m betraying the part of myself who knows that I deserve better.
I’m not a perfect person and every day I struggle with doing better because I know better. I’m not proud of my price tag (hopefully by now you realize that it isn’t an actual numerical price tag, but rather an emotional and psychological price tag), but identifying that I have one helps me to become a better person who’s always strong enough to let go of any situation or person who is no longer serving me or my ultimate good.
 
I’m getting better with letting go in some ways. It’s still tough because I always want everything to work out. However, I know that everything isn’t meant to work out or last. Some situations and people are meant to be fixtures in our lives, while other situations and people are meant to be transient and are used to teach us things about ourselves or open us up to new things.
 
The hardest part about having a price tag is the inescapable inner-debate, the war on the inside, the sadness, remorse and regret that you feel every time you sell a part of who you are. All the while knowing that WHAT you’re selling yourself FOR or WHO you’re selling yourself TO isn’t going to be worth it in the end because in no capacity can you look back on the sale without feeling a disappointment with yourself so great that it overshadows anything you think you might have gained from the initial sale. There’s a sense of shame that comes with it. Some of us are able to sweep it under the rug and allow it manifest itself into more bad decisions while we desperately reach for  justifications for our cheap behavior.
 
While the others of us, can’t really live with it and decide that losing out on something or someone is better than completely losing ourselves. Every day I strive to remain in the latter category. Sometimes it takes a while for me to cut the cord, no doubt, but ultimately, on my journey, I’m finding it a little easier to cut the cord and that I’m able to do it a little bit faster each time I’m put in the position to have to.
 
Stop selling yourself! Lose your price tag! Just as Rome wasn’t built in a day, you won’t complete your journey to the “not-for-sale” part of the store in one.
 
It takes time. (It took time for us to even acquire a price tag in the first place!) More importantly, it takes COURAGE and I believe that you’re strong enough to walk away from any person or situation who even makes you feel the need to sell or betray part(s) of yourself to keep it/him/her around.
 
Whatever and whomever is meant for your will make you feel like all of the money in the world still wouldn’t amount to how much you’re truly worth.
 
I love you and believe in you. Remember that!
 
With Love,
 
Brittni Pope
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