In a world where love is broadly defined, freely given and abundantly present does it still make sense to settle for it, struggle for it and narrow your options for it?
Ok, so hell froze over, pigs started flying and it literally rained cats and dogs because your girl actually found herself all sorts of caught up in the last 5 episodes of this season’s “The Bachelorette”.
I don’t know how or why, I just did, but that’s beside the point! So, please, go judge someone else! LOL.
Anyways, the bachelorette, Dez, committed what seems to be the ultimate inevitable sin! And, yes, ladies, I know we’ve all been guilty of this at one point or another! SHE FELL HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH THE ONE GUY WHO REALLY WASN’T FEELING HER! Instead, mind you, of falling majorly in love with the two (HOT) guys who were all but putty in her hands!
In my short dating life (15-24), I will willingly admit that I have fallen head over heels for the guys who just weren’t that in to me. And yes, I can see the train wreck! Deep down I know the truth. Most times I know I can do better, but still, still I stay. And I won’t even blame it on the hopeless romantic in me, I’ll blame it on the naive part of me who actually believes that I can acquire all men that the Universe and God haven’t lined up for me. I won’t even attempt to blame it on the guys, who really are good guys, who do their damndest not to hurt me because they know I’ve fallen for them. I have a classic, though unfortunately chronic case of the “wanting what you can’t have.” AKA “Thrill of the chase.” AKA “You’re amazing, it’s me, not you.”
Catch my drift?
So I can empathize with Dez, I really can. Overlooking the two great guys because she’s desperately wanting the seemingly unattainable from the man in question, Brooks. We’ve all been there.
My point is, that isn’t what threw me for a loop! What threw me for a loop is that had I been in her shoes and I was madly in love with 1 of the 3 men left and the 1 man that I was in love with broke it off with me before the end of the show because he just didn’t feel the same way, I would have had to send the two other guys home! But, Dez, instead accepts a proposal from one of the guys.
This to me is a form of settling and I still can’t understand how the guy that proposed to her or “won” doesn’t somehow feel like he’s being settled for. But hey, if they like it, I love it!
If I’m going to commit to loving a romantic partner, I wouldn’t want either of us to feel like we were settling. I’d want it to be a mutual desire to settle WITH each other. Not FOR each other.
Now I get it, the most frustrating part about love, dating and relationships is that it’s usually a lengthy process. (And sometimes just a scenic route to a major dead end!) Requiring both people to be open to opening up, letting their guards down and, again, wanting it to work. The greatest loves are built on strong foundations, and to me, “settling” is an automatic crack in the foundation.
To me, it’s giving up because you’re tired of waiting, it’s “well this is here right now and if I hold out I may end up alone altogether.”
Essentially, it’s fear based. We only settle for anything in life because we’re scared of something worse and something better!
I find myself settling for shitty dating situations for that exact reason and because I sometimes dislike the process of having to open up to someone else ALL OVER AGAIN.
So, in one sense, I can’t blame Dez or the guy who won for going for Mr. and Mrs. Right Now. It’s tough out there in dating-land and bleak.
However, no matter how tough or bleak, if you’re patient and you actually do get that AMAZING love that’s meant for you, time then seems insignificant.
God, I need to take my own advice!!!!
Ps: On that episode of Sex and The City when Jack Berger told Miranda that the guy she went on a date with who didn’t come up “just wasn’t that in to her”, totally changed my dating perspective. It’s the reasons why I don’t fall to pieces when things don’t work out. That and knowing that I only want who God has picked out for me!