A year ago today I made a devastatingly difficult decision to change my life. I can remember bawling my eyes out and being scared as hell and arguing with God, because up until this defining moment, I thought I knew what was best for my life and who was best for me in my life. All of this resistance and inability to let go effectively beget a chaos in my life so consuming that whole weekends would be spent in a haze of deep depression and the ultimate realization that I didn’t love myself. And because I didn’t love myself, my entire life was a compromising situation filled with repeating mistakes and somehow justifying obviously bad decisions that I’m still paying for today. I’m a fighter who fought God tooth and nail and lost. This loss allowed me to become an empowered surrenderer and in this role I have come into fortunes that I could only dream about before and now I’m living them. Dreams that I had released and figured would never come to pass have begun to unfold so beautifully and so TIMELY that every time I share my good fortune I’m quicker to give God the glory before anyone else. But also, whenever I screw up or start to freak out because something doesn’t go according to my plan or because I don’t know where something is going, I bring myself back to this humbling and comforting reality…I’m just a puppet in God’s play and that my only job is to see it through and trust not only the script that has already been written, but the writer and director who conceptualized all that my role would be before I set foot on stage. In the good and in the bad, in the pleasure and the pain, don’t fight it, just surrender. The strength that I have, the huge heart that I have, my ability to forgive and not hold grudges, the love that I give so fully and freely, the happiness and passion that I exude are the byproducts of YEARS of pain and the understanding that pain and tough times serve in your positive personal evolution if you don’t stay down when you get knocked down. That’s the key to life and that’s why I am where I am today, spiritually and physically because God stayed with me as I walked THROUGH the fire, not around it, and I learned the art of resilience. I didn’t come out unscathed, but instead a model for scars that make me a beautiful spirit. God isn’t done with me yet and I’m ready for it all.
With SO Much Love,