“I can’t make you love me and I possess the wisdom not to try.” – Me
So, I’m 23 and as I’ve gotten older my thoughts on relationships and love seem to always be evolving, for the better I’d like to think.
Many of the people that I knew growing up have had kids or have gotten married or are married with children and then there’s me buying shoes and feeling like the long lost member of Sex and the City.
Now if I’m completely honest, I’ve done the long term relationship thing, I’ve done the “hopelessly in love” with someone who didn’t want to be with me thing. I’ve made the bad choices for myself in relationships because I really didn’t love myself and was searching for that love in the arms of someone who didn’t have that type of love for me either.
I’m not cynical towards love and relationships, not at all. In fact, I usually go all in if I really like someone so that way if/when it ends I don’t look back on it with regrets for holding back and trying to control my feelings. I just go with it, I commit to the feeling. I commit to the fact that spending time with this person makes me feel good. Anything beyond that I try not to think about…
But then BOOM, it happens!!! You know when you start wondering where this thing is going? Or if it’s essentially on the fast track to nowhere? And then all of a sudden you start trying to feel the other person out and wind up “playing games” just to see where his/her head is at.
UGH. I hate when I get like that. It’s so tiring and pointless.
The other day I was listening to HayHouse radio and one of my favorite hosts, Michael Neil, was talking about how life is a game and how instead of always “playing to win” we should really just “play for the sake of playing” because we really don’t have too much control over certain outcomes. The problem with always “playing to win” is that we become so attached to a particular outcome that if it doesn’t come to pass then we feel like our whole world just crashed and burned in front of us. We become so concerned about winning and coming out on top that we forget to enjoy things as they happen and forget to be thankful for them and for what they teach us.
It was kind of like a smack in the face for me because I have spent so much of my life playing to win and creating “games” that don’t even need to be created and I’m like WHAT THE HECK am I even doing right now? It’s so crazy.
Then I applied this theory to my relationships and then it really started making sense.
I reflected back on all of my most recent relations and the games that I inevitably started playing in my head which infiltrated the relationship. I asked myself what is/was my idea of “winning” in that situation?
Would it have been becoming the other person’s official significant other (i.e. Facebook official)? Would it have been breaking it off before the other person had a chance to? Would it be getting married and having babies with this person? Would it be having this person just to say I had this person and to somehow validate some part of myself?
What is “winning” in relationships? What is “losing” in relationships? Does it ultimately even matter?????
I was talking to a girlfriend of mine last night and the latter part of our conversation went like this:
Me: Is there a guy who exists that consistently shows interest, but isn’t over-bearing? Or is he like a unicorn?
Her: Definitely like a unicorn.
Which then leads me to my next observation and why I think relationships then turn to games…
For whatever far out reason, many women (myself included) tend to really be into guys who show us little attention, however many women (myself included) get freaked out by guys who show us a lot of attention (ESPECIALLY if we aren’t into them to begin with!).
Then when it comes to the guys that we actually do like…say he showed a lot of attention in the beginning but as things progressed the attention began to taper off, you (or me, really) want to start treating him like I treat guys who I’m not into by ignoring him or not talking to him much just to see if it will make him show me more attention.
Like how ridiculous is that? Turning it into a game just to somehow con myself into thinking that I’m running things, that I’m playing the game and winning the game and then in the end just ruining things because I tried to manipulate it into something that it isn’t and may never be.
So here’s me throwing in the towel on “playing games”. I’m officially playing the game for the sake of playing and letting it play out how the universe sees fit.
Here’s me committing to spending time with the people who make me feel good and honoring my feelings when this person isn’t making me feel good anymore or if someone else is making me feel good or if I just no longer see myself remaining in the relationship.
So yeah, two can totally play that game, but I’m just no longer concerned with “winning”, I’m just going to play because I want the pure experience (as blissful or as painful as it may be), not the manipulated experience. After all, play too many games and you may end up cheating yourself out of something really good.
or Carrie…. which ever you prefer ;]