As I’m sure many of us know or have heard, the clinical definition of insanity means to keep doing the same thing with the expectation of different results or outcomes. I’d like to believe that I know myself rather well and one thing I know about myself is that I’m typically a fan of patterns. For me, fortunately and unfortunately in some cases, patterns mean safe to me, they mean comfort, they mean familiarity. In my life I feel like insanity and patterns go hand-in-hand. I was the person who found it easier to go back to ex lovers or people I’ve known for a while in my life because it saved me the effort of having to meet and getting to know new people. I go to the same restaurants and order the same meals. I sometimes would rather remain in a complacent friendship than attempt to make new friends. And then it was like something clicked for me a few months ago, I’m scared of new people, new things, new relationships, new in general really… Here’s the kicker though, deep down I was always yearning for something new and different. So I knew I had to make a change and a few months ago I began making conscious and consistent efforts to put myself out there to meet new people, try new things, and immerse myself in the scary world of “new”.
So, here I am in this scary world of “new” and I’ve just been smacked in the face with a new realization. What good is becoming a citizen of the world of “new” if you bring your old “insanity” mindset and habits with you? People are people no matter where you go, people are different, but they aren’t really different if you know what I mean. You have to change, you have to become different because if you don’t you’re actually wasting your time.
More than half of my life I have spent cleaning up after other people’s messes. Whether it be in relationships or friendships, even cleaning up after my own past whilst in the present. I’ve spent more than half of my life ignoring red flags and keeping my mouth shut to avoid confrontation with the people I felt I needed to keep in my life because I didn’t have anyone else. All of this points to signs of desperation. Desperate to have ANYONE to fill “voids” in my life. People who weren’t worth the effort, weren’t worth my time, people who weren’t good for me, but they were people and I thought I needed people. I’ve always been the person punished for other people’s mistakes, the person who has spent an unGodly amount of time repairing broken hearts and people.
I see red flags which alert me to me reverting back to my old ways and STILL I ignore them because I like to get out of things without any blood on my hands. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I want things to be awesome and fabulous and blossom into everlasting relationships, situations, and friendships and they don’t BECAUSE I don’t know how to get out when the red flags reveal themselves. Then I start “reasoning” with myself…Oh Brittni maybe you’re being rash, maybe you’re letting your past dictate how you live your life now, they need you, there has to be more to this situation…BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH. And the reality is sometimes I’m not being rash, I’m right. Sometimes I’m letting what I have LEARNED not experienced from my past help me to make better decisions right now. Sometimes they don’t need me, I can’t save everyone. I can’t be there for everyone. Sometimes there isn’t more to the situation. Sometimes I’m letting my ego talk over my instinct.
If I continue to ignore my inner wisdom and guidance system, I am asking and allowing myself to be hurt emotionally. Because in all of these situations, me being hurt is always the end result. I give and I save and I give and the situation ends and I’m left with nothing, but my inner voice asking me why I didn’t listen to it AGAIN. My habits are clinically insane and I’m ready to break the pattern. I’m sick of this routine. Sick. Of. It.
I don’t have to compete. I don’t have to be settled for. I don’t have to beg. I don’t have to be second place. I don’t have to be runner up. It is not my responsibility to take care of other people’s baggage. I don’t have to be the person who is always promised that something will be made up to.
I was that person. I don’t want to be that person so I am not going to continue being that person.
As a voluntary citizen of this world of “new”, I am ready to become new, too.